


When Free-Thought Returns To Storybrooke...

by Of_Princes_and_Savages



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Anti Hook, Crack, Humor, IF YOU ARE READING THIS BE AWARE IT'S NOT HOOK FRIENDLY, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 05:31:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10483155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_Princes_and_Savages/pseuds/Of_Princes_and_Savages
Summary: Returning to Storybrooke after Gideon sent him off, a certain pirate finds that in the forty-eight hours he was away, things have changed. They've started...thinking.(Written after an obscure thought attacked me in the shower about next week's Adventures in Mainpain, or, episode 6x15--Not Hook-positive.)





	

After a long and hard journey over the course of forty-eight hours, Captain Nemo finally had the Nautilus docked in the Storybrooke harbor again. He had already made the executive decision to never, ever, _ever_ return to this confusing little town again, to have his cartographers put warnings on all their maps about so much as drifting in this direction again, and was privately withdrawing his offer to take Killian Jones out to sea. Not that the man had noticed.

"I have to get back to Storybrooke! Emma's waiting for me! She deserves to marry me! Her happiness depends on my cooperation!"

Variations of these phrases, (as well as several threats to crew members when they didn't get there fast enough, as if he knew what it took to steer a submarine,) had made Nemo realize that Killian Jones was not the man haunted by his past mistakes as he thought. Well, not haunted in the sense of ashamed. More like haunted because they were getting in the way of his marrying a woman who was rightfully upset that he hid killing her grandfather. Or something. Nemo stopped listening around hour twelve...

He envied that princess, her companion, and that redheaded mermaid that had escaped the Nautilus earlier.

Nemo himself opened the hatch for Killian to spring out the submarine and on to the docks. Despite it snowing when they left, Storybrooke was warm and sunny now. What peculiar weather they had here. Almost as if someone didn't know it was winter in Maine. Killian didn't wait to thank him, and started sprinting down the dock. He didn't have to get very far because there was a group of people waiting at the end of it already.

"Emma!" Killian cried, dashing up to the blonde woman in a red leather jacket. "Emma! I never meant to leave you! I know now that villains _do_ get happy endings if enough people forgive me for my actions!"

"Actually, that's not how this works."

"What?" Killian blinked. Nemo stayed right on the docks, sensing something interesting was about to happen. "But your mother said that love could change anyone!"

"Yes, well," Snow White, holding her and Charming's infant son in her arms. "There are expections to every rule. For example, I was very upset that the Evil Queen didn't break the curse on me and my husband at the time, so I was being salty. And I also didn't know at the time that you were sulking on the docks because my daughter threw you out for lying to her, among _other_ things."

"Like stealing her eyeliner? What? She obviously hasn't been using it."

Charming walked up and punched Killian in his fashionably stubbled face.

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER YOU ASS!" he shouted. "WE HAD A WHOLE BONDING ADVENTURE OVER IT! WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULDN'T BE UPSET OVER THAT?!"

Liam stuck his head out the hatch, making Nemo jump as his young officer shouted, "Is that a running theme with you or something?!!" before darting back inside.

"Wh-what? B-but Emma said you'd forgive me!" Killian whined, rubbing his bruised face. "It isn't fair that I should have to sit across the dinner table and feel guilty!"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE WANT TO HAVE YOU AT THE TABLE?!"

"Charming, Charming, honey," Snow soothed, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Calm down. Don't kill Emma's ex in front of the babies, please."

Charming had to admit that would be a very bad example, and grudgingly stepped back, wrapping an arm around his wife. It was a bit ironic since he was pretty certain without baby Neal in her arms, his wife would have punched Hook already. Snow did have a mean right cross.

Henry scowled, muttering, "Didn't stop you from sitting across the table with me when you threw my dad to Pan..."

"What? No!" Killian dismissed. "I never did that! Bae and I were good friends! The best of mates! Wait, what do you mean by 'babies', did Emma have my child? Wait! What do you mean ex? I'm back! I apologized! Now you're supposed to forgive me! And pity me for being fish-slapped by a mermaid, so we can make out!"

Emma wrinkled her nose, and Regina, standing beside her, rolled her dark eyes. She gave the baby in a pink blanket a little bounce, when she fussed, and sympathized with Robin's daughter's upset.

"No. That's also not how it works," Regina said, slowly, as if talking to a child. "Because while you were gone, we started thinking. And as we got to thinking, we realized a lot of stuff. Like how, for a start, it's a terrible idea to let my emotionally unstable and morally dubious half-sister raise a child out in the boonies of Storybrooke without supervision."

Killian gasped. "You killed her! Why didn't you let me do that?"

"What? No. No, see, we thought that she did have the potential for rehabilitation, so I was going to propose she see Archie and live with me temporarily. A sort of halfway house slash support system idea."

"Only," Emma added, "she got so mad and screamed so hard her shriveled little heart popped. So that took care of that, and now Regina has Hope."

"Hope for what?"

"No, we renamed the baby 'Hope'. Because we got to thinking about that, too, and it's really creepy to have named this baby after the father that was assaulted and murdered by, and because, of Zelena's actions."

"Oh..."

"Oh!" Emma snapped her fingers. "And that reminds me. You still have to come by the house, I left all your stuff parked on the porch and the new owner is going to dump it on the curb if you don't get going."

"Chop-chop Captain," Bae agreed.

Killian did a double-take, and staggered backwards. "Bae! But you've been dead for _years_!"

"Actually, dude, it's been like five, six months. Max." Baelfire shrugged. "But when Zelena died, there was a paperwork mix-up. And Cora was determined to keep Zelena in hell, and that made everyone realize Cora really didn't belong upstairs, and somehow I ended up back on Earth. It's not so bad. Henry picked a great house you pushed Emma into moving in, we're gonna go furniture shopping next week-"

"Hang on just a bloody minute!" Killian snapped, jabbing a finger at Bae as he glared at Emma. "I'm gone for two days, and you replace me with your ex?"

Emma and Bae exchanged glances, and shrugged together.

"Not really," he shook his head. "It's just gonna be me in the house. And Henry gets a room of course."

"Nope. See," Emma nodded. "Bae just got back, at like, lunchtime yesterday. We decided that we were just gonna be coparents."

"But you love her!" Killian turned confused eyes to the other man. "Why aren't you clinging to her and chasing her down until she relents?"

Baelfire held up a finger. "First, that's super-creepy. Second, I just want Em to be happy, that doesn't necessarily have to be _with_ me, romantically. We can still be friends. Besides, she's already got somebody, why would I want to get in the way."

Regina leaned over and pecked Emma's cheek, and Killian gasped.

"But neither of you are lesbians! You like men! Like me!"

"Bisexuality is a thing, Short John Silver," Regina snorted. "Have you ever seen me look at Maleficent?"

"Who? Oh. The dragon. Wait, she's still in town?"

"Besides the point. We had a girls night with Snow...until Snow wasn't there."

Snow White turned bright red. "And I will repeat; I don't want to know what that entails, even though I'm ridiculously happy for the both of you."

"My moms are gonna get married!" Henry grinned. "Isn't that great?"

"They have been dancing around each other since Emma came to town," Charming agreed, gazing fondly at his daughter, pleased she found a happy ending. And her personality.

Killian gasped. "You can't get married! I forbid it! Everyone stop thinking, you're making me look bad!"

"No." Emma frowned, wrapping her arm around Regina's shoulders. "I'm not going to stop thinking now that I've started again. I did a lot of thinking after I cried a lot _thinking_ you left me, when I realized: Why was I so upset? You literally murdered my grandfather and lied about it, you could have come clean when you proposed, you're borderline alcoholic, you make me cry a lot more than Bae did and I did jail time because of that brouhaha-"

"I didn't know about that until later," Bae added. "I'm really sorry."

"No, we're cool, you're cool. But the biggest thing I realized is that Regina's been more supportive and understanding to me than you've ever been. And she likes it when I think."

"It's pretty hot," Regina admitted. "A strong personality and moral compass are so much more attractive than that whole Stepford Swan thing you had going there."

They kissed, and Killian was torn between watching two hot ladies make out or voicing his disgust at Emma cheating on him. (Regardless, anyone else would remind you, of the fact that everyone just told him the Captain Swan ship had sunk.) Then it occurred to him that they were taking advantage of him! They were going to get married with his ring!

"Fine! We can talk about your unfaithfulness later, Emma, but I want my ring back!" he thrust his hand out. And waited.

Emma looked at him for a minute.

"Oh."

"Oh? What d'you mean by that?"

Emma shrugged. "I sold it. Already. See, with all that thinking I was doing, I remembered how you said all your rings are creepy murder trophies and I thought, _'Oh crap, where'd he get this from?'_   and that had to go. Diamonds are intrinsically worthless by the way, Gold only gave me about-"

"YOU SOLD YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING TO THE CROCODILE?!!"

"Uh, yeah. Pawnshop."

"Grandpa said he was being generous too," Henry added, "that was a really crappy ring you bought, man. He mostly traded it for the deed to Dad's new house, since it was still legally in Mr. Gold's name and Mom was just squatting while she was the Dark One. I'm glad you started thinking again too, Mom, things were starting to get really confusing."

"Then I bought Emma a candy bar, and we called it even," Bae smiled.

"But...but...but the Crocodile! He's evil!"

"I think it's more like morally grey," Charming corrected. "And Belle says-"

"Belle! Yes! Just ask her!" Killian snapped his fingers. "She'll agree with me!"

He went running into town and the extended Charming-Swan-Mills family, (plus a baby Hood,) followed after him, eager to see what would happen next. They ended up pouring into the Storybrooke Library and immediately ruined the quiet atmosphere with Killian shouting, "BELLE!"

" _Shhh_!" Belle shushed, standing up from the table she and-

"Emma! Run!" Killian shouted. "It's the Crocodile and his bastard!"

Gideon rolled his eyes, refusing to look up from his book. His mother had pulled several books off the shelves and was helping him to educate himself about how the Land Without Magic actually worked. Apparently one did not get superpowers from killing Saviors, either, so his father was attempting to help him with _that_. Gold, it should be noted, did glance up from the pages of a book to glare at the idiotic pirate before ignoring him completely.

"I'll have you know that Rumple and I are married, and I don't appreciate you calling my son a bastard anyway," Belle hissed, putting her hands on her hips. "What's more; I've been doing some thinking-"

"No! Not _more_ thinking!"

"-and I can't say your pirate ship mattress was worth the motion sickness and the fact that I had to walk to the nearest building with a public restroom whenever I had a need because your stupid dingy lacks indoor plumbing! Why did I agree to that? Granny would have done just as good at keeping Rumple away from me while I needed space!" she paused, glancing sheepishly at her husband. "Um..."

"No, no, you had your reasons, sweetheart," Gold waved her guilty look away. "I was an ass, that's why we're seeing Dr. Hopper."

"Why?" Killian blinked. "Are you trying to emotionally manipulate him into massaging your ego?"

"No. We're trying to repair our relationship before anything else," Gold snorted. "It's quite impossible to build on a broken trust, as we've learned."

"Quite right, _and_ -" Belle slapped Killian across the face. "That's for shooting me at the town line!"

Gideon looked up from his book, eyes widening. "You shot my mother?"

"I wasn't aiming for her, really! It hurt your father, that's what was most important-"

"You _shot_ my mother?!"

"Yeah, you better watch out for him," Charming nodded. "He's a confirmed parent-murderer. Twice."

"I killed my father because Regina told me to!" Killian cried.

Regina rolled her eyes. "Oh please. You can't put that totally on me. You have enough Daddy Issues you make Rumple's side of the family look tame."

"Hey!" Four voices piped up at once.

Killian looked around the room. He must not have come back to the right Storybrooke...it was...everyone was _thinking_. Nobody had apologized to him or forgiven him for leaving. They seemed happy that he'd been gone, and that wasn't possible! He was supposed to be the center of attention right now!

"But Emma," he begged. "I didn't abandon you! It was Gideon's fault! He sent me away to hurt you!"

"Actually," Gideon chimed. "I sent you away because you _were_ in the way. Constantly. How was I supposed to carry out my plans to kill Emma when she was constantly hanging off your arm? For god's sake you're like a lamp post getting in the way of a clear picture!"

Bae grinned. "Did I tell you about this guy, little brother?"

"Don't call me that," Gideon sniffed.

"Oh no, you're my baby brother. My baby bro."

"Stop it."

"Little buddy-"

"Mother! Father! Tell him to stop it!"

"Bae, stop picking on your brother," Belle chided gently. Rumple nodded in agreement, but had a fond smile on his face.

And that was enough for Killian. Clearly he was in the wrong Storybrooke, because nothing was right in this one. Emma and Regina in love? The Crocodile happy? Charming and Snow not forgiving him for doing wrong? It was unfathomable! He'd just have to set sail again until he got back home.

However, Captain Nemo, once the people had left the docks, had jumped back into the Nautilus and ordered her away. If Killian Jones had whined and complained the whole time getting back to Storybrooke, there would be a mutiny if they left with him again. And Nemo wouldn't have blamed them. Besides, the pirate literally had the Jolly Roger in sight on the harbor. Why not take that ship out instead? Surely the townsfolk would happily send him on his way?

(They would.)

In the forty-eight hours Killian Jones had been absent, things had happened all over town once people started thinking again. Someone remembered Dopey was a tree and de-treed him, so that all seven dwarves were free once more. The Blue Fairy woke up and found that half the fairies had moved in to town when they realized that their leader was a shady dictator and they'd be happier finding their own way. Anton the Giant moved into Zelena's abandoned farmhouse and prepared for the spring to plant a farm, and was busily nurting a magic bean sproutlet he intended to start a new crop with. Will Scarlet and Anastasia popped by for a visit to tell everyone they were married, and to prove they weren't dead, and had brought back Ruby and Dorothy with them.

(Mulan had gone back to Dunbroch...for reasons.)

And Archie made enough revenue in his position as therapist, now that people were finally seeking him out, that he had adopted another dalmatian he named Perdita to keep Pongo company. And had a not quite a hundred, but a bundle of puppies all the same as a result.

The end.

(Oh, and Killian went... _somewhere_ , to find his own happy ending off screen, we presume...or _something_...)

**Author's Note:**

> If you leave a comment on this fic about me being unkind to Hook, please note that I stamped ANTI HOOK all over this work of unpaid fiction and that ignoring it makes me question your reading comprehension, therefore, negating the seriousness of your comment. Thank you.
> 
> Also: If you want to giggle, rant, or react in any other way, do leave a comment! I do think Emma and Nealfire could just be "bros", because he's not an ass, otherwise this would have been Swanfire. But I need to practice my Swan Queen and this fic just sang: SWAN QUEEN NEEDS TO BE HERE.


End file.
